


The pain of feeling

by Fabulatio



Series: The Monster Within [2]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Feelings, M/M, Pining, Season/Series 02 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-15 19:23:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7235371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fabulatio/pseuds/Fabulatio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Flints is working towards self-governing Nassau by every means necessary. But he is also realizing his feelings towards his Boatswain</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. X.

**Author's Note:**

> The story follows the plot of the second season. Because the story is about James' thoughts, the events of the series aren't all that well explained. So there is a strong possibility the story doesn't make any sense to you. 
> 
> Includes spoilers from season two! This story continues right from where "Man behind the Captain" ended. 
> 
> This is totally my headcanon of what Flint must be thinking (and what he is thinking, is Billy).

James woke up on the beach. He could feel the sun burning his skin and the salt of the sea stinging in his eyes. Every muscle in his body ached as he tried to get up from the sand. The gun-wound made by Mr. Dufresne didn’t make things any easier. He remembered falling to the sea and letting go of the world. But now it seemed that he had failed even at dying. It turned out that it had been Silver who had denied him the peace which had been waiting for him on the other side. 

Dufresne had declared himself as captain of what little was left from the two ships that had brought them there. James felt angry and betrayed. He was tired of having to fight for every single thing, for having to explain and prove his worth to the men time and time again. Dufresne had challenged him, stood against Captain Flint, and now in spite of it all, the man was asking for his help in getting the gold. Dufresne was good at keeping the books and had learned a lot about sailing from Billy, but that wasn't nearly enough for a Captain. James knew that that was the key of getting back his captaincy and the fact that what remained of his crew were skillful and fierce men. What he did not see was the role Silver would play in all what was coming. He had never met a man like Mr. Silver before. James could tell he was dangerous and hoped he would never have to stand against the man. 

Nonetheless, the gold was now within his reach. Although James had been ready to give up and leave this world with all the pain it entailed behind, he couldn’t hold back the smirk when Dufresne lost the hold of the crew. James knew he had a way of influencing people. He knew how to use his voice in a way that forced people to listen. A valuable skill he had learned from Thomas. He also knew how to use the vanity of others to his own advantage, how to bend men’s will to his needs. But this thing with Dufresne had almost been too easy. Flint was now a captain of a Spanish man-of-war, when only a few days ago he was most certainly on his way to be hanged by the same men who had now voted him as captain.

When sitting in the captain’s cabin James pondered on the words Dufresne had said, if it was possible to a man to orchestrate all that death, destruction and loss just to achieve a certain goal. He remembered then something Admiral Hennessey had said to him all those years ago. How the admiral had even then seen the darker side of him that had now taken the form of Captain Flint. James had told himself for a long time that the role he played was just that - a role he had played almost too well. Merely the sight of the feared Captain Flint’s banner was now enough to make seasoned merchants to surrender their ships and cargo. But now sitting there all alone, thinking about all the things he’d done, what he had done to Mr. Gates and to Billy, James could no longer be certain that it had been just a role. 

James was surprised of how much he missed Billy. He knew that none of this would have never happened if the young Boatswain had still been with the crew. He could have explained it all to him. Gates had been wrong about Billy and him. Billy would have understood the reasons James had for all of the things he had done. Billy had never wanted to be a pirate in the first place, he just became one. Oh how he missed Billy! What had happened on that night, had Flint let go of Billy’s hand? James couldn’t remember. He had been, and still was, a mess of feelings. He tried to forget about Billy and focus on the matter at hand: He now had a man-of-war and the fortune of gold was on the beach almost completely unprotected. He had never been closer at making Thomas’ dream a reality. All he needed now was a skilled crew.


	2. XI.

A lot had happened in Nassau within a few days. It seemed that with the way James had left things with Miranda and the choices Eleanore had made during his absence, Silver was now the only ally James had. It was truly frightening how quickly Silver had gained the support of the crew. James had had to fight for the captaincy time and time again, but it seemed like whatever he did, the crew wouldn’t trust him. And Silver, even though the crew knew that he had stolen the missing page in the first place, now seemed to enjoy their unquestionable loyalty. But at least James knew where Silver’s allegiance lied: with the gold. As long as Silver believed that Flint was his best chance of getting a part the treasure, James would have his assistance. 

James felt angered and because no one else seemed to be prepared to do the kind of hard choices he had repeatedly been forced to make. Whenever he thought of being a step closer to the goal he and Thomas had set together, life pulled him further from it. Now, as he was desperately trying to move ahead, he found himself once again bending the truth in front of the crew. It seemed, that once again he was forced to sacrifice more lives for the memory of his former love. But the thing that made things truly worse for James, was knowing that he had made a grave mistake allowing Silver to see a glimpse of James: “It must be awful being you.” It hadn’t took long for Miranda to understand the weight James put on the thoughts other people had of him – and now Silver knew it as well. James was afraid of what the man might do with that knowledge.

James couldn’t believe Miranda had come back after all he had said to her the last time they saw each other. He had apologized to Miranda in his own way, but still he couldn’t believe she’d not turned her back on him. And yet again James was forced to regret the things he’d said to her. He was not ashamed of anything he had had with Thomas, how could he? As Miranda placed the book in front of him, he could no longer hold back the tears he had denied himself for years. The leather of the book’s covers was still bright red and the inscription as vivid as it had been the day he first saw it. James traced his fingers across the delicate letters Thomas had written on the first page of the book. “James – My truest Love. Know no shame.” Those words were the only thing he had left of their love. James found himself thinking of Miranda’s words. Was he fighting only for the sake of fighting?

James had been fighting for the cause for so long, it was hard for him to see any other way forward. He realized that the time had come, when he would have to shed light on a part of his story he had worked so hard to hide. There was no other way, if he was to gain any support from the others. James did everything he could to get Mr. Guthrie, Eleanor, Vane, Captain Hornigold, Dufresne, the crews, Silver...anyone to believe that his plan was good for everyone. He told them all he could about the plans he himself had put together in his former life. But later when he thought about it, he couldn’t remember a word he had said. All he could think was that Billy had been found. By some miracle Billy had come back. The sea had returned Billy to him - and he didn’t seem to loath James. He could hear Hornigold getting angry and making threats against his captaincy, but all he could think was the man who had returned from hell, sitting behind him.


	3. XII.

Once again James was in in the risk of losing his crew. He couldn’t even count the times that had happened in the resent weeks. Somehow he had managed to hold on to his captaincy, but now... all he wanted was to have a moment alone with Billy. James had Silver working for the votes he needed to remain as captain. There was something in what Silver had said, or in a way he said it, which made James alarmed, but he couldn’t concentrate on that right now. All he needed was to be sure that Billy was all right. James knew what the English navy was capable of and it angered him that Billy had had to suffer it twice in his young life. Billy had said that Flint had tried to save him, but James could not help but to blame himself for every little pain his Boatswain had suffered.

He could still feel the warmth of Billy’s body against him. James knew he had hold the man too long, but he couldn’t help himself. Billy was back and that was all James could think of. Emotions long forgotten had filled James’s whole body the moment Silver had told Billy had been found. Emotions that James had not believed he could even have anymore. There were so many things James wanted to say to Billy. How he had missed him. How he had needed him. How overjoyed he was to see him again. And how sorry he was for everything. But all he could manage was “It's good to have you back again”. He had felt the eyes of the crew on them and had forced himself to pull away from the other man. Dufresne had been saying something to Billy when James had stepped to the tent, and it made him nervous. The man was still dangerous, although defeated for now.

James brushed his thumb against his cheek hoping he could still feel Billy’s skin against his. He had managed to touch the skin on Billy's nape, but he now realized that it wasn't enough for him. He couldn't help himself. He wondered if Billy had noticed it. The man had not flinched nor pulled back when James had pulled him close. James was acutely aware of how tense Billy’s body had been, but he couldn’t tell if it was because of the torture or because of him pressing himself so close. The scent of Billy’s skin had been intoxicating. And the way Billy’s strong arms had felt against his back… James had trouble focusing his thoughts. 

The sound of Billy’s voice startled James. The vote for the Captaincy was closing and James knew it was where he should concentrate right now. But the soft light from the lanterns glistening in Billy’s big blue eyes and the sound of his deep, soft voice in the night made it hard for James to act casual or to concentrate on anything. He could feel a strange tension between them, but it wasn’t malice or hostile. Billy had come to him and it seemed to James like the man wanted him to win the upcoming vote against Captain Hornigold. Even though Silver had gained the ear of the crew, James knew that Billy had their upmost loyalty. And Billy knew the crew. It was therefore even more important to James to know what Billy thought, although right now, James couldn’t care less about the men’s opinion of him. Billy was standing there, so close he could have just reach out and touch him. It made James’ mind scatter all over the place.


	4. XIII.

It was Silver who yet again brought the news that would change everything. The gold was gone. It had, like Silver pointed out, solved one problem James had, but it had left him short on options and presented him with a new problem. How could he get the men behind his plan, which was full of holes and uncertainty? Without the gold Silvers allegiance was also gone and in that moment James realized how dependent he had become of the man. He hated that. But James did found some satisfaction when he realized he wasn’t the only one who had inadvertently revealed something about himself, something that could be used against him. Silver had told him that he didn’t want to be a pirate or a part of a crew. But James knew that wasn’t the truth. Silver loved hearing his own voice and he loved the influence he had on other men. Silver was a vain man and that was something James knew how to use in his own advantage.

“Where else would you wake up in the morning and matter” Although the look on Silvers face had been priceless, James realized he might as well be talking to himself. Where else would he matter? Did he even matter here? Sure, he had Miranda, but just as she had said, there was no life here. He mattered here to Miranda because she had no one or nothing else. But that was it. James felt like the only thing he mattered to was the memory he had of Thomas. Even though the words had hit their mark with Silver, James realized that Silver had something he didn’t. The crew did listen to the man. They did give a shit about what Silver had to say. Same couldn’t be said about him. In the end, no one really cared about Captain Flint.

It was Billy’s voice that brought James back from his dismal thoughts once again. It was like Billy hadn’t been away at all. And still, something about the man had changed. He had somehow become even more formidable, there was more certainty in the way he carried himself. He had recovered from what had happened to him in the hands of the navy amazingly fast – there were no longer any physical evidence of the suffering he had been put trough. James had allowed himself to admit that he adored every inch of the other man’s tall body. There was no use of denying that, but hearing the tall man tell him he thought Captain Flint was right and that his leadership was what the men needed, was something James needed the most in that very moment. He knew Billy was lying when he told that Mr. Dufrense had left the crew because of its “overwhelming support” for Captain Flint, but James didn’t care. He loved hearing Billy tell him those things, whether or not they were the truth. 

James couldn’t help but to feel slightly optimistic. He had, by now, learned that happiness was not something the world had lined up for him, but at least there was some hope now. He knew he could put his trust in Billy. The man had every reason to hate him. And with the hold he had of the crew, Billy could have easily cast him aside, but he hadn’t. In fact, it seemed like the handsome Boatswain had been actively working on Captain Flint’s behalf. And, although James had deep reservations towards Mr. Silver, it seemed like he too was now working towards the same goal. James couldn’t but to marvel how easily the man had once again manipulated the crew in believing that all of it was in their best interest, that they actually wanted to return the young girl to his pirate-killing-father.


	5. XIV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had some serious difficulties with this last chapter.. Flint makes me so sad, he needs love.

“My name is James…James McGraw.” It had been so long since James had said those words that it scared him to hear them spoken out loud. Right there, right in that moment he could no longer separate himself from Captain Flint. The story of Lieutenant McGraw was now, from that moment on, the same as Captain Flint’s. And although James felt his spirits lifted, the fact that the legacy of Lord Thomas Hamilton would soon be tainted with the horrors inflicted by Captain Flint, caused him more sorrow than he’d imagined. But he was so close now. He could actually see his time as Captain Flint ending as the new chapter in Nassau’s history was about to begin.

Having the two women on board made the whole crew uneasy. James was surprised especially on Billy’s demeanor towards Miranda. The man was usually so courteous to everyone but he had barely spoken to the women. James missed Billy’s company, but it felt like the man was now avoiding him. He tried to think of ways to start up conversation with him, but the ship was in good condition and everything was going according to the plan, so there were only little reasons for the Captain to approach the Boatswain. 

Miranda’s presence on the ship made James more aware of his lingering thoughts of Billy and he knew he couldn’t hide them from her. She had always had an act of knowing the true hearts of men. It was like Miranda watching him made all his feelings shameful, like he was betraying Thomas. But if he could carry out Thomas’ dream, it would mean that Billy could live it. Billy was young and bright and James wanted better for him that just the life of piracy. He wanted Billy to have the life he was robbed of. If he would be able the get Peter Ashe to listen to him, he could actually make it happen. He could fulfill Thomas’ plan and as a result give Billy a chance to a normal life. 

James could hardly believe that Peter Ashe was willing to listen to them. There was a real chance of seeing Thomas’ plan through. Peter remembered them, he remembered Thomas. If James would just tell his story, let his life be scrutinized by the same people that forced him to leave Thomas in the first place... It would allow Thomas’ dream to come alive. It would mean that all that pain hadn't been for nothing. And it would mean that Billy could have a life without the killing and death, without the fear of being captured and tortured, or even hanged. He could save Billy’s life, if he just told their story to the world.

But the plan had not worked. Miranda had died and James was to be hanged. Sitting there in chains accused of all the things he had done, he realized that what little had been left of Lieutenant James McGraw had died in that room with Miranda. He had nothing else left but the numbing hatred against the so called civilization that had robbed him of everything he had ever hold dear. What he felt now was something completely new, something so powerful it was swallowing him whole. When Captain Vane appeared from nowhere and offered him a chance to get his revenge, he took it. 

James knew there was no turning back after that – not that he even had much to turn back to. There was no longer anything to connect him to the past. There was no more James. Only Captain Flint remained and he chose to embrace it. Billy believed in Captain Flint, or he believed that he was something the crew needed. That was all he had now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will continue on to season three.


End file.
